Leaving in a week & I'm blah. The excitement came crashing, replaced by impatience. I'm having the hardest time getting through these final school assignments/exams. I can't focus and I'm just not happy about my schedule of sleeping late and work work work work in front of the computer. It drains me and I feel & look tired. I need some serious R&R. I wanna sleep in or at least wake up early without problem and have more energy. I had to put my entire workout on pause to catch up with all the assignments. It's ridiculous! Just too much.

Anyway, despite all that inner battle...today was a good day. Picked up my Chinese visa & went to have dim sum in Chinatown with J. We tried to go to the Beats store in Soho & it was closed. The only day it's closed is today and that's when I decide to go. Haha! So I think I'm gonna get the Beats headphones but I'm not 100%. I'll make my decision by the end of the week.

Anyways, I'm gonna go pop an ambien and head to bed so I can hopefully feel better. I'm sneezing all over the place...

I don't have anything spectacular to write about. Just in bed heating my back. I'm so worn out with everything, working out, studying hunched over the computer. My upper back is all jacked up. In other news....I see my husband really trying hard to get through. He is working so hard and being so focused. Proud of him. :)

Sitting here in the dark I breath in and feel all the pain. The physical, mental and emotional pain. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying, pushing, hurting and not seeing results. My schedule is crazy and it's taking a toll on me. My chest hurts so much and I realize I've been hurting for some time but have been ignoring it this whole time. When I'm motivated I'm really good at ignoring my feelings. Every effort I've made is flashing before me and I'm sad for myself. I'm sad for all the strength I have squeezed out of me. Cuz now I feel spent and disappointed. Behind closed doors I don't feel like an inspiration. I feel so weak and I feel like I always have to be strong. But right now everything that hurts is magnified. The truth comes out. Sometimes I feel like miracles don't happen to me naturally. But this is me being negative and hopeless. Tonight I cry for peace. I wish there was more peace and forgiveness.

My ethical system is a mix of everything from my upbringing and my personal experiences as an adult. I was raised Catholic which paved my foundation of the importance of being honest, helping those in need, forgiveness and being thankful. These are still my core values today that I stand by. It boils down to doing good unto others whatever you would like them to do to you. This rule must follow moral rules in society and not cause pain to others. These core beliefs is what I expect and hope from others therefore I expect myself to follow the same values. I think what we put out into the world is what we get back in most cases. For example all of us have been wronged and all of us have also wronged someone. If we didn’t forgive we would all be hating someone and someone would be hating us, making this world full of hate if we do not try to forgive or make peace with the ones who wronged us. Hating someone is time consuming and takes away precious time from the top priorities in life that we should aim for. I compare these top priorities to Mill’s higher pleasures because they will ultimately bring the most long lasting joy in life. Aiming for a balance of these top priorities will bring fruitful results that will ultimately bring good to all.

Good balance of ourselves is the ultimate goal in our life. The top priorities are the things that improve ourselves in every aspect, the body, the mind, the spirit and the heart. Some examples of these priorities are education, family time, running and going to church or doing volunteer work. Each priority deals with a certain part of ourselves; education helps the brain, family time helps the heart, running helps the body and going to church helps the spirit. If we have a good balance of all four and have the basic foundations of doing good to others we can achieve the best versions of ourselves which is what is ultimately good for everyone. When we are the best version of ourselves we are happier and willing to give to others more readily. We are also more immune to jealousy, hate and depression when we are physically fit, mentally alert, spiritually nourished and filled with love. Negativity derives from our own insecurities of losing control of our lives. Alternately, being our best self puts out good energy into the world and if we all put this energy out we will also receive good energy and happiness spreads to all.

To achieve a balance of the top priorities we must continually be aware of our habits and activities. It can be a challenge to juggle all four aspects of ourselves. It requires the general rule of self discipline and responsibility. Self discipline helps you to prioritize these top priorities. It is the willpower to sacrifice instant gratifications such as addictions, overspending and procrastination when you could be improving one of the four more important aspects in life that bring long lasting happiness. I think if we focused on this we wouldn’t have time to let negativity and minor things consume our thoughts and hearts. You can’t help someone if you can’t help yourself, but if we are always ready by having a good balance of ourselves we will have more time for others. For example seeking more education gives back to the community with your knowledge and expertise. Spending time with our children or loved ones gives us feelings of love, value and fulfilling our responsibility as a family member. Exercise will give you more energy and confidence in your physical appearance. Lastly, going to church or volunteering reminds you to be grateful for what you have and keeps you humble. The latter is very important to tame the pride that can get out of control when you are feeling too good about your improved self.

Through my personal experiences and study of how people lived their lives, I’ve picked out the most admirable traits in others that brought the best consequences. I realized how it’s possible to have all those traits in one person for the ultimate goodness. This idea brought me to the top priorities and how molding the best of ourselves bring out the goodness in this world. I have a friend who I have continually coached about life. She is a beautiful girl who is not fully aware of the different aspects in her life. Evidently she spends 90% of her time improving her looks by spending money on materialistic things and relies heavily on her appearance. However, she doesn’t seem to feel truly happy. She is afraid to be alone, gets jealous of others very easily and goes from one relationship to another. I struggle to tell her any good news happening in my life because she reacts in a negative way and because of this, she is already spreading negativity by not having room in her life to give back to the world. The times she sought for my thoughts I’ve advised her to look at other aspects in her life that needs improvement. If she spent some time focusing on her family and friends it would make her life feel more whole and she would not feel so afraid of being alone. Perhaps working on her career or pursuing more education would keep her busy and balanced. Additionally, the feeling of achievement would make her less jealous and maybe even learn to be happy for others. Lastly, when she is more balanced she can be more in touch with her spirituality which in turn will make her feel more grateful for all that she has. Unhappiness is a result of not living up to what we believe is good. Some people don’t realize what they are missing and fail to see the bigger picture of how balance can work in their lives to spread goodness in this world.

Great past few days! Had 2 days off with J & I shopped & ate a lot. Good times :) Currently my favorite store is Cotton On because their clothes are my style and they are fairly cheap. Then I wanted oxfords I saw & bought two and I'm excitedly waiting for them to arrive in the mail! I bought four pairs of jeans. Two blue, one red and one white. I'm excited to wear them with my oxfords. I also got the Loreal night repair serum. We shall see if it works. And along with that I bought Carol's daughter shine line which so far has disappointed me but I'm giving it some time. I then took J to Le Cirque for a romantical dinner. The company was great, the place was beautiful, the music was serene, but service was unorganized, insincere and just blah. The food was average, nothing special at all. But all in all still had a great night!

Now back to studies. I did a lot of schoolwork over the weekend so I'd have two days off and now...back to work.
I must read now before going to bed cause I got work tomorrow.

So.....since NYE and since I made all these goals & started the PUSH jump start 30 day thing a lot has changed! Let's just say, I have to completely re-route, rewrite & take a detour in my path in life. My top 10 dream goals all of a sudden look really silly & well....so not where my life is heading. I'm having a little reality check/early midlife crisis ok? :) I have to think about my plans carefully and map it out. I haven't had much time to really do this but I have been thinking a lot and dropping tasks and picking up new ones. For one, school just started again & boy did I forget how much time school takes. As soon as I get home I have to read & do schoolwork. And I am getting impatient and want to graduate already so I can move on in my career. Two, my career is disappointing me lately & I need to reconstruct and brainstorm. Three, my personal life just made a new big decision. Four, some friends and I are inspired by a not so new idea and I wanna see where this takes us. & Five, I have to work with what I have. I think that's reason enough to have a do over. I have been doing well with my half marathon training as far as following my training schedule. I'm in week 2 and ran my 7 difficult miles yesterday. I don't see a difference in my body or see an improvement on my breathing or ability yet but hopefully soon. Anyways, have to go to bed. I feel like I'm in bootcamp. I must stay self disciplined.

As 2012 begins I feel a sense of anticipation. I couldn't wait to start over and do better & now here it is. Another year to make things happen. I hope I stay as motivated as I do right now if not more. Today is day 1 for me because it's my first day off. Yesterday i worked, went to church and spent time with family. Still in my priority list so we are okay ;) Today I must workout! My sister and I are doing Push Jump Start withChalene Johnson so I will be blogging my daily homework (some will be private). Wish me luck!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! It's been a busy past month with the holidays around the corner. We finished and wrapped up preparations before December came. Pretty darn proud. I'm in love w/ my tree! It's absolutely amazing I must say. My vision into fruition:

"Don't be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends." -Richard Bach

With 30s around the corner I am doing a lot of reflecting. So much changes happening right now. But endings are opportunities for new beginnings. Maybe it's my being thirty real soon that I have this new feeling of not taking BS in life anymore. I just ran out of energy in making effort to make something out of BS.  I may sound harsh but this is my blog and it's the truth. This goes for BS at work, BS friendships, BS drama etc. You get the idea. There is no reason to stay in a bad situation (intuition pending ofcourse). I started a new job today, it consisted of a 4 hour orientation. I left a full time m-f 9-5 nursing job that was making me feel like 100 years old. I had no time for anything, always tired, stressed and miserable. I tried my best at that job but you can't do it alone and I cannot deal with the mess. It makes me anxious. Anyhow, long story short I quit. I tried to quit actually but then they offered me per diem and I took it. So between the two per diem jobs now I will have more time, more flexibility and I friggin LOVE it!!! I feel as if I have been released from prison. You have no idea. Between job transition and btw back in school for my BSN and my home life with a few close friends by my side I really do not have time for BS. You either fit in my life or you don't. I cannot make the effort alone anymore and I can no longer let other's actions affect me nor can I allow anyone to hide in my shadow. Every man for themselves from now on. Only deserving people will have my loyalty, passion, influence and power. The others are invisible to me.